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Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? Like you’re under qualified for your own life and calling?

Over the last couple weeks I walked slowly into the abyss of what I think we could call imposter syndrome. Or, maybe I didn’t even make it far enough to be an imposter? Looking into the arena of successful memoir writers, I realized I might be crazy to even try.

The Buildup

I’ve been hard at work on my memoir, Finding Gideon. Part of releasing a book goes far beyond writing. You have to look at the market to see where your book might fit, and find comparable books for when the manuscript is ready enough to query agents and publishers. 

We’ve all heard about how bad comparison is. It kills your spirit, especially because we often match up our worst to someone else’s best. One person’s house looks squeaky clean on Instagram, while yesterday’s jelly spot is still sticky on your table from making kid sandwiches. 

But comparing is literally what agents and publishers want authors to do, so I dove in. The more comparables I found, the more inadequate I felt. The authors of these books seemed to fall into two camps, the first being people who were already famous.

I’m not famous. Unless something crazy happens, there won’t be millions of people saying, “Oh wow Sarah Hickner has a book out, I’m getting one for me and my mom!”

On the other end of the spectrum were memoirs written by highly regarded writers. These women have PhD’s, write essays that people talk about (where do you even find an essay to read outside of school?), and are published in places like the New Yorker. They’ve put years into education and developing craft. I’ve put years into riding horses, raising kids, and selling skincare and makeup. 

This imposter syndrome has been a slowly festering wound.

Saturday morning I chatted with my writing coach. “Sarah!” She said, “You’re not ready to send anything to an agent! I mean what you’ve got is pretty good, but it’s not ready to send to anyone.” If she said it once she said it three times, while I pasted a smile onto my shell-shocked face. I came into this call thinking, I’m not famous, and I’m not a PhD, but what I’ve written is at least good. I thought my first five chapters were ready. 

The call ended with her telling me about all the years she’s put into writing. It’s her career, and she’s my mom’s age. I could never add up the years of experience she had. That comparison wound was severely infected.

I could say I checked the box. This whole thing started because God told me to write the story, and technically I have done that since I completed the first draft. But I know in every fiber of my being that the story isn’t just for me. It’s for the readers. 

I spent the day crying every time I was alone. 

Who am I?

This is embarrassing.

This is a waste of time.

What am I thinking?

I’m such an imposter.

I can’t compete with a PhD.

I’m not famous.

I’m not spending the next thirty years of my life studying writing before I release this book.

I spiraled deep into the abyss. 

An Important Aside…

I need to pull you out of the story to share something really important. A couple years ago I did Pricilla Shirer’s Bible study on the armor of God. We dove into each piece, and one of the most important ones (ok, they’re all super important), is the belt of truth. In the study she talked about how bankers are taught to handle money and find fraudulent bills. They’re never given counterfeit money to work with. They just spend so much time handling the real thing, that as soon as they touch a fake bill, they know it. That’s the belt of truth. You know God’s promises and his truth so clearly, that when the devil whispers a lie into your mind, you can see it for what it is.

Nearly every morning in my quiet time, I pray, “God, help me to see the devil’s lies from a mile away. Help me to know your truths.”

Back to the story…

When my eyes opened Sunday morning, a weight still sat on my chest. It took me a minute to remember why, oh yeah, I’m in over my head. It’s totally dumb for me to be writing this book that I started a decade ago and have worked so hard on for the last year.

“God, seriously.” I prayed, “Why am I doing this?”

And then the scales fell from my eyes, and I saw it. The devil had been whispering lies, and man had I bought it for a minute. There were a couple basic facts: I’m still not famous, and I’m definitely not a PhD, but all that extra baggage that had come in were lies.

I rolled over onto my belly, with my face in my pillow, my chest still felt heavy as I prayed, “God, thank you for showing me the lies.” I saw it for what it was, but it still weighed me down. I kept going, “God forgive me for not trusting your calling.” I said it almost automatically, with little thought, but once the words were out, I realized what they were. Truth.

With each truth, I took a step out of the darkness.

God called me to write this book. He didn’t give someone else the story. He gave me the story. And God knows me. He knows I don’t have a PhD, and I’m not famous. He knows that until a year ago, I had almost no writing experience outside of basic classes at school. He knew that I’ve spent my life raising kids, riding horses, and selling makeup. None of this was a secret. None of it was a surprise to Him. He created me, how I am. He gave me these passions and this personality, and He called me to write this story. Who am I to question that? 

Then I cried some more, but these tears were the good kind.

So I ask you again – have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? Like you’re under qualified for your own life and calling?

Take heart.

Lean into God’s truth for you.

He knew your qualifications when he gave you the job.

 To God be the Glory,

Sarah

Ephesians 6:10-18

The Armor of God

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.