The Event
Imagine you send someone a message, “Hey do you want to come to dinner tomorrow?”
You see within seconds that it is read, but there’s no immediate response. Where does your mind go? Now it’s been 2 hours, and still no response. It’s the next day. You still haven’t heard back.
Your Response
How do you respond? Do you panic that something bad has happened and call their significant other or mom? Do you get mad that you’ve been ignored and call your friend and gossip? Do you assume they’re ignoring you and don’t want to hang out? Or do you assume they missed the message or forgot to respond and send a follow up message or two?
event + response = outcome
Your outcome largely depends on how you responded. If you panic and called someone, you likely have other people panicking. If you called a friend to vent, you’ve now possibly started a gossip cycle. If you remained calm, assuming they forgot to respond or needed time to think about it, and then followed up, you will probably get a response.
What stories are you telling yourself?
I’ve had a Mary Kay business for 13 years. For a few of those years when I reached out to people and they didn’t respond, my mind automatically went to I’m annoying her, she doesn’t want to talk to me, or she’s not interested. Then I attended a seminar where we learned about stories.
When an event happens, we create our own stories to answer the unknowns. What if I chose a different story – a more neutral or positive story? She’s busy right now, she can’t have her phone at work, she planned to respond later and forgot, or her kid is playing with her phone and marked it as read so she never saw it? She’s been waiting to hear from me!
The stories you tell yourself on small, seemingly insignificant things can have longterm impacts. If I had always thought every non-response was the recipient thinking I’m annoying, I would have quit my business long before earning the use of a Mary Kay car. Actually I feel fairly confident this is what holds a large number of people back in my business.
If you assume a nonresponse means someone doesn’t like you, you may run short of friends pretty quickly.
I’m convinced a lot of relationship drama is because of stories
Two weeks ago I sent a message on the family text thread, “Hey y’all can we have a level discussion about Christmas?” With COVID numbers skyrocketing I needed to chat and see if we could work out a safe plan for Christmas or if we should just abort the whole thing. My brother shoots back, “Hey if y’all are worried about COVID just don’t come.”
Some people read this message and will immediately get angry. How dare he say that? Some people read it and chuckle. Hey, at least he’s up front. I read it and heard it in his voice that is laid back, kind, and matter of fact. He wasn’t being mean. He just wanted us to enjoy Christmas, and if we were worried about COVID and traveling, he knew it wouldn’t be fun. He later called to clarify that, by the way.
How many people would have been offended if they saw that message, immediately assuming their brother was being a jerk and was mocking their concern for spreading COVID? It could have divided the family.
Don’t rely on the fake news of your brain. Seek the truth
If you find yourself creating a story that may or may not be true, and it has to do with someone you love, pick up the phone and find out the truth. It is human nature to assume the worst, and your loved ones deserve better than that.
If you can’t get the facts, assume the best
When you can’t find the truth of the situation and you are left to rely on the stories in your own head, assume the best. Our minds are always looking for things to affirm what we believe. If you choose the story that says I am annoying, your brain will look for proof of that. It will find the most insignifcant thing to back up your story. However, if you choose to believe that people like you, they are just busy and haven’t gotten back to you yet, your brain will find proof of that.
Whether you are responding to your family member not showing up for Christmas dinner, a guy cutting you off on the interstate, or someone not responding to a text message, remember the outcome isn’t just because of the event. It is the event PLUS your response. Your response starts in your mind with the story you tell yourself.
Check out the podcast on this topic on Spotify here
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