For as long as I can remember, I have loved horses. As many horse people will understand, it’s much more than any typical love or devotion to an animal or hobby. All I can compare it to is when you are reading a really good book – one so good that you can’t put it down – and every second that you aren’t reading the book your mind is still in that book. You cook, work, take a shower, everything, but you’re simply going through the motions. Your brain is still in that fabulous story. That is what it is like to be obsessed with horses. Unlike the book that you will finish and will eventually fade from your mind besides an occasional flashback to it, this obsession with horses will likely last a lifetime.
This has been my life for as long as I can remember. When I finally had my own horse as a 12 year old girl and spent hours upon hours every week at the barn, my mind was always working to make sure I wouldn’t lose this animal I had spent so many years longing for. I was always quiet at the barn – the kid didn’t talk much – but I was watching. There were 2 things I noticed about horse people – there seem to be a lot of divorces when one spouse rode and the other didn’t, and there seemed to be a huge gap between kids who rode and the older riders with grown kids. What happened to the ones in the middle?
Then I found out. After college I started looking for a horse to purchase as a resell project. My budget was $5,000 and I wanted something that could move well, jump fancy, and vet clean. What I found was young moms selling their horses because they didn’t have the time or money anymore. I had already chosen a healthy marriage over the life of working the top show circuits. The idea of giving up my horse for a baby was enough to make me use 2 methods of birth control at once! My nightmares consisted of falling elevators and being pregnant – not at the same time thankfully. I had a few friends who had kids and continued to ride and compete, but their parents were nearby and would watch the kids while they rode. My parents are 1,000 miles away, and like most young couples I could not see having the money to pay for daycare or babysitting so I could ride on top of the already high price of horse ownership. I knew one day I would want kids, but could I do both?
I became friends with a girl who had a boarding facility and I moved my horse to her place. She was a couple years younger than me, and had 2 kids. Her parents lived on the property, but even so she breathed belief and confidence into me. “You can do it!” She would say. She once told me, “I have a friend with twins and she brings them out in their car seats and she rides while they sleep!” She made me believe I could do it all. The two of us are very different, but we are also very similar in a couple ways and one of those is when we want something we make it happen.
3 years ago Joey and I “pulled the goalie” as my brother says, and got pregnant. I rode into the beginning of my 3rd trimester when my trainer (who was adamantly against her pregnant students riding and had already warned me about all the dangers), finally pointed out that my position I worked so hard for would be compromised as I leaned forward to counter the added weight in my belly. I rode one time after that. My horse was still green and coming back from an injury, so a friend rode him occasionally to help me out. Winter was almost over, and Baby JJ arrived! It was exciting and hard and overwhelming and fun all rolled into that crazy little screaming body. Even with the joy of a new baby I was counting down to the 6 week mark and polling my friends to see if they had actually waited the 6 weeks to get back up. Most were on earlier. On the day before my 6 weeks the weather was beautiful and my husband, dog and I were thrilled to get out to the barn with a baby in tow. I tacked up while Silas eye’d his new baby brother. With a grin stretching from ear to ear and a churning stomach I mounted up and started around at a walk. It seemed ok. Then we trotted. My body wasn’t ready. Within a couple of days I was at the doctor. As much as I would like to, I can’t truly plan my life. JJ was 6 months old before I was able to ride or exercise. When the time finally came that I could ride, it was fall and the ground was hard as a rock one day and complete mush the next leading to an array of abscesses – one after the other. I felt like I was having to move Heaven and Earth to get out to the barn with this little baby, only to soak Silas’s hoof and hand over another board check. I truly got it. I totally understood why women throw in the towel. If I had any postpartum depression it was those days when it took me an hour to get out the door to drive 40 minutes to the barn, then JJ wouldn’t sleep like that girl’s twins supposedly did (how does that work – 2 babies sleeping at once?) and I couldn’t ride anyway. Or if I could ride, JJ would sit in his pack and play or the stroller in the corner of the ring and cry the entire time. He was pretty grouchy as a baby. This was rough.
But thankfully I had 2 good friends who were both determined horsewomen, and great moms. They encouraged me. They said, “yes it’s hard, but it’s worth it.” So I powered through. They also gave me ideas. Caitlin said to reach out to some homeschoolers and see if I could find someone who would watch JJ while I rode in exchange for lessons and ride time. Within 2 weeks I found a wonderful family.
Last year my horse turned 8, and we finally had our first show season. My show season was a little different from most peoples. We did one AA show, 2 nice local shows, and one overnight show in Lexington, VA. No, we didn’t win much. And I’ll be honest. Part of me was frustrated at the end of the year that I only made it to 4 shows. But then I realized it’s much better than no shows, or even worse, quitting! It was 4 great shows that built my horse’s confidence.
I just took Silas to our first show of the season. JJ turned 2 and Silas turns 9 in 1 month. None of my friends could come with us to the show, so I went by myself. I was focusing a lot on us going to the show all by ourselves. And yes, it’s kind of a big deal to go to a horse show without a trainer or helping hand, but I did it all before I had a baby. Except this time, even though it was just Silas and me driving down 81 to Lexington, it took an entire village to get us there. All winter it was too cold for me to bring JJ to the barn, so a young teenager named Ciara rode Silas while her horse was out of commission and Caitlin gave Ciara lessons on him. Then my friend Courtney who rides at Sweet Briar rode him twice on her spring break the week of the show on the days I could not come out. My other friend (also a Caitlin) went out and pulled his mane the day before we left, because grooming a horse well with a toddler running around the barn was pretty dangerous – i tried. And 3 different friends took care of JJ while I was at the horse show and Joey was at work. He was passed from house to house. Joey even sacrificed (although he would never call it a sacrifice), his one night of the week that is HIS night with the guys because that was the night we were gone. If you’re wondering how the show went, it went extremely well. Although we focus on jumpers, we competed in the hunter ring because those were the classes available on the days I could be there. My goal was for Silas to get comfortable in the show ring. Our first trip was pretty terrible, the second one he was dropping his shoulder and trying to run away from monsters in the stands, the third one went pretty well once we got to the first jump, and by the 4th class he put in a flawless round and pinned 7th out of 27. As we closed off our 4th and final course with a canter circle and a downward transition to a walk out of the ring I leaned forward to rub his neck with tears in my eyes – not just because he had done so well, but because so many people sacrificed and helped us get to that moment. I am so humbled by the number of people who stepped in to help with no expectation of anything in return.
Can you be a horsewoman and a mother of young children at the same time? The answer is most definitely yes. Is it easy? Not usually. Is it worth it? For sure! It has definitely been a journey, and there have been many valuable lessons. I’ve learned that other people can ride my horse and it actually won’t “ruin” him. In fact, he’s usually better because of it. And to be grateful for when I do get to ride and show, instead of resentful for when I can’t. My horse may be 9 years old and still slightly green, but he’ll likely last much longer because of it. I’ve also learned that sometimes when it’s beautiful out, I just cancel all plans apologize about the unmade dinner and head to the barn.
Living in a townhome in a suburb of DC, our trips to the barn are also wonderful for JJ. He loves to be a country boy for a few hours – pushing toy trucks up and down the driveway with what must seem like complete freedom to his little spirit. When he’s not wallowing in dirt and mud, he loves to help groom Silas and give him treats and kisses. I try not to worry about whether or not he inherited the horse bug, and I’ll admit that I fought to continue riding for myself and not for JJ. But a couple hours at the barn are as good for his spirit as for mine, and he sure does sleep well when we get home!
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